For all you mothers out there today, remember that you have high school tomorrow, so don't stay up too late.

I don't understand why Wal-mart has a problem with people bringing their dogs in the store. Dogs are better behaved, smell better, and are a lot less likely to take a crap on the floor than 95% of the people there.

If you're sober, it's a police car... but if you're drunk it's a taxi.