Next time you're having sex with your significant other, stop right in the middle of it.When she asks what you're doing say, "Shhh...I saw this in a porno once. It's called buffering."

Q.Why did Barney explode?
A. Who f**king cares?

Best way to answer the phone:
"Bob's whore house, you got the doe we got the hoe, how may I help you?"

I see you ordered the most expensive item on the menu for our first date. I hope you realize that it comes with a side order of my dick.