Me : So I just watched this film where a mans wife is brutally murdered by a serial killer and his son is left physically disabled. In a twisted turn of events his son is kidnapped and he has to chase the kidnapper thousands of miles with the help of a mentally disabled woman.

Friend : uhhhhhh

Friend : What was it called ?

Me: Finding Nemo

'Girls Night Out'

One night my girls invited me out. I promised my husband I'd be home by midnight. Hours passed and margaritas went down way too easy. Around 3 AM (a bit loaded) I headed home. Just as I got in the cuckoo clock chimed 3 times. Afraid my hubby would wake I quickly cuckooed 9 more times. I was really proud of myself for coming up with such a quick witted solution. The next morning he asked what time I got in. I said "MIDNIGHT!" He seemed fine so I thought I'd gotten away with it. Then he said "We need a new cuckoo clock." When I asked why he said "Well, last night our clock cuckooed 3 times, said 'oh shit', cuckooed 4 times, cleared its throat, cuckooed 3 times again, giggled, cuckooed twice more, then tripped over the coffee table and farted."

One day, a farmer was tending to his livestock when he noticed that one of his cows was completely cross-eyed. He called up a veterinarian friend of his who told him to bring in his cow. The vet took one look at the cow, stuck a tube up the cow's butt, and blew into the tube until the cow's eyes straightened out. The vet charged the farmer a hundred bucks, and the farmer went home happy. About a week later, the cow's eyes were cross-eyed again, but this time the farmer figured he could probably take care of it himself. So he called his hired hand over, and together they put a tube up the cow's butt. The farmer put his lips to the tube and started to blow. Strangely, nothing happened, so he asked his hired hand to give it a try. The hired hand removed the tube, turned it around, put it in the cow's butt and started to blow.

"What are you doing?" asked the farmer, horrified.

"Well, I wasn't gonna use the side that YOU had put your lips on."

A man is sun-bathing nude at the beach; a little girl comes up to him so he covers his penis with a newspaper. The little girl asks, 'Whats under there?' The man says, 'A bird.' The girl walks away and the man falls asleep. He wakes up later in a hospital and is in great pain. A doctor and a policeman are at his bed, the doctor asks him, 'Do you remember what happened?' The man replies, 'I don't know; I was at the beach and fell asleep after talking to a little girl. The policeman says I asked her what happened and she said , 'I didn't do anything to the man, but while he was asleep, I played with his bird. It spit at me! So I broke it's neck, burned its nest, and smashed the two little eggs!