Friend: dude tomorrow is my girlfriend's birthday... what should i give her?
Me: give her your dick
Friend: idiot... i want something big for her..
Me: give her my dick then :D

Previous Next
A hippie saunters into an urban Bar & Grill and orders a cheeseburger.
"But make sure to make it not too well done, not too rare, but just in the groove." The waiter is a little annoyed at this, but serves him the burger.
"Waiter!" the hippie says after a little bit. "Could I get a cup of tea? Not too weak, not too strong, but just in the groove." More annoyed now, the waiter contemplates pissing in the tea, but doesn''t.
"Waiter!" the hippies says a little later. "Could I get some ice cream? Not too chocolate, not too vanilla, but just in the groove."
"Wait," said the waiter. "I have another idea. How ''bout you kiss my ass? Not too much to the right, not too much to the left, but just in the groove."

A hippie walks on a bus and sees a nun. Being the straight forward kind of guy he is, he says "Hey baby, want to have sex?" The nun says "God no!" so she gets off the bus angry. When the hippie is about to get off the bus, the bus driver asks him "Hey man. you see that graveyard across the street?" The hippie go's "yeah I see it, what about it?" "well every Tuesday night at 8:30. the nun go's to the top of the hill to pray. If you dress up as a ghost, and tell her to have sex with you, she'll have too" The hippie replied "sweet!" So Tuesday night comes and the hippie has a ghost costume, 8:30 comes and here comes the nun. The hippie pops out and says "I am the ghost of a man buried here, and I command you to have sex with me!" The nun go's "Well... ok, but I have a virgins aspect so it has to be oral" So the nun and the hippie have oral sex and the hippie runs away and says "Ha, ha I was actually the hippie" and the nun said "Ha, ha I'm actually the bus driver!"

We tip our hats to the "Baby Boomers".

First, we survived being born to mothers who smoked and/or drank while they carried us. They took aspirin, ate blue cheese dressing, tuna from a can, and didn't get tested for diabetes.

Then after that trauma, our baby cribs were covered with bright colored lead-based paints.

We had no childproof lids on medicine bottles, doors or cabinets and when we rode our bikes, we had no helmets, not to mention, the risks we took hitchhiking. As children, we would ride in cars with no seat belts or air bags. Riding in the back of a pickup on a warm day was always a special treat.

We drank water from the garden hose, not from a bottle. We shared one soft drink with four friends, from one bottle and no one actually died from this. We ate cupcakes, white bread and real butter and drank soda pop with sugar in it, but we weren't overweight because we were always outside playing!

We would leave home in the morning and play all day, as long as we were back when the streetlights came on. No one was able to reach us all day. And we were O.K. We would spend hours building our go-carts out of scraps and then ride down the hill, only to find out we forgot the brakes. After running into the bushes a few times, we learned to solve the problem.

We did not have Playstations, Nintendo's, X-boxes, no video games at all, no 99 channels on cable, no video tape movies, no surround sound, no cell phones, no personal computers, no Internet or Internet chat rooms. We had friends and we went outside and found them!

We fell out of trees, got cut, broke bones and teeth and there were no lawsuits from these accidents. We ate worms and mud pies made from dirt, and the worms did not live in us forever. We were given BB guns for our 10th birthdays, made up games with sticks and tennis balls and although we were told it would happen, we did not put out anyone's eyes.

We rode bikes or walked to a friend's house and knocked on the door or rang the bell, or just walked in and talked to them!

Little League had tryouts and not everyone made the team. Those who didn't had to learn to deal with disappointment.

The idea of a parent bailing us out if we broke the law was unheard of. They actually sided with the law!

The result? This generation has produced some of the best risk-takers, problem solvers and inventors ever. The past 50 years have been an explosion of innovation and new ideas. We had freedom, failure, success and responsibility, and we learned how to deal with it all!

And if you are one of the Baby Boomers, Congratulations!

Before sex, you help each other get naked. After sex you dress yourself.



Moral of the story: No one helps you once you're f*cked.

There was a boy who couldn't say words properly, but his mum still trusted the boy to go shopping.
"son i need you to buy us a bun, a bucket and a cocker spaniel"
the boy said "ok be right back"

So the boy went to the bakery store and he went to the man in the front and asked "sir do you have a bum?" the man said " you mean a bun?"
and the boy said "yes a bum." so he bought it and moved on to the next store, he asked the man working there, "sir can i have a f*cket?" and the man said "ohh~~ do you mean a 'bucket'?" and so the boy doesn't bother and says "yes, a f*cket..."
He goes to the pet store and asks "Do you have a cock and spankit?", the owner said, "excuse me? do you mean a cocker spaniel" the boy just says "yes a cock and spankit..." so recieved all of the items that his mum told him to buy.

He moves onto the bus stop waiting for the bus, a woman was next to him smiling to him nicely, finally the bus came, he entered the bus and noticed he was missing an item, he was missing the cocker spaniel, it was still at the bus stop, so he says to the woman "excuse me, Can you hold onto my bum and f*cket, while i get my cock and spankit...."