A Mafia Godfather finds out that his bookkeeper, Guido, has cheated him out of $10,000,000. His bookkeeper is deaf. That was the reason he got the job in the first place. It was assumed that Guido would hear nothing so he would never have to testify in court. When the Godfather goes to confront Guido about his missing $10 million, he takes along his lawyer who knows sign language.

The Godfather tells the lawyer, "Ask him where the money is!"

The lawyer, using sign language, asks Guido, "Where's the money?"

Guido signs back, "I don't know what you are talking about."

The lawyer tells the Godfather, "He says he doesn't know what you're talking about."

The Godfather pulls out a pistol, puts it to Guido's head and says, "Ask him again or I'll kill him!"

The lawyer signs to Guido, "He'll kill you if you don't tell him."

Guido trembles and signs, "OK! You win! The money is in a brown briefcase, buried behind the shed at my cousin Bruno's house."

The Godfather asks the lawyer, "What did he say?"

The lawyer replies, "He says you don't have the balls to pull the trigger!"

“Two Texas farmers, Jim and Bob, are sitting at the bar, drinking beer. Jim turns to Bob and says, "You know, I'm tired of going through life without a proper education. I think I'll just march down to the community college and sign up for some classes right now."

Jim does just that. He walks down to the college and meets the Dean of Admissions, who signs him up for the four basic classes: Math, English, History, and Logic.
Jim: Logic? What in tarnation is logic?
Dean: I'll give you an example! Do you own a weed whacker?
Jim: Well, yeah.
Dean: Then, logically speaking, because you own a weed whacker, I presume you have a yard.
Jim: That's true, I do have a yard. That's mighty impressive!
Dean: I'm not done. Because you have a yard, I think that, logically speaking, you have a house.
Jim: Well I'll be darned if I don't!
Dean: And because you have a house, I think that, logically, you probably have a family.
Jim: Yeah, I do!
Dean: So, because you have a family, then, logically, you must have a wife. And because you...
Jim: That's amazing! You figured that I have a wife because I have a weed whacker!?"

Jim goes runnin' straight back to Bob at the bar and says, "Look what I just learned!" Bob... do you happen to have a weed whacker?
"Nope, I don't think I do", said Bob.
Jim exclaims with pride, "Then, logically speaking..." He pauses to think, frowns, then slaps Bob in the back of the head and yells,
"You piece o' dirt! I told you never to leave her!"

boy: spell "me"
girl: M-E
boy: but you forgot the D
girl: there's no D in me
boy: not yet ;)

There is this man who spent the entire day watching the fishing channel. Once he is done, he goes to the kitchen where his wife is and says "Listen honey, I have just declared it. We are going on a fishing trip, you, me and the dog." The wife then replies "No way, I don't wanna go fishing." The man then replies "Well then I'm going to give you 3 options. 1. You can give me a blowjob 2. I can f*ck you up the ass or 3. You can just suck it up and go fishing w/me and the dog. Now I'm going to the garage and get everything I need ready. I'll be back in an hour and you better have your answer.



So he goes to the garage, prepares everything and comes back in an hour as promised. "Well, so what do you want to do?" the man asks. "I'll give you a blow job." the wife replies. So she starts sucking his dick and after 10 seconds, she starts complaining "Oh my God, this is disgusting, your dick tastes like absolute shit." The man then replies "Yeah, the dog didn't wanna go either."