The 85 year old man goes to the doctor's do get a check up, the doc says that he needs a sperm count and sends an empty jar home with the man. The next day, he comes back with an empty jar. When the doc asked what happened, the man said;
i tried with my right and left hand, my wife tried with left and right, her mouth, teeth in and teeth out, we asked the neighbor to help, she tried with her mouth, both of her hands, she put it in between her legs, in her arms, and with her her feet. The doctor asked in a surprised voice, "You asked your neighbor? What happened?" The old man said, "We couldn't get the damn jar open."

The

Never ever ever push a Scottish man down.

Especially when it's at a Scottish ceremony.

You: do you like tapes and CD's?

Friend: ya why?

You: good because you're going to CD's nuts when I tape my dick to your face!