When I see lovers' names carved in a tree, I don't think its cute. I just think it's crazy how many people bring knives on a date.

when a girl changes in front of you

(a) she likes you

(b) your level 99 friend zone

(c) she's pretty sure your gay

I wasn't going to download the song "Thrift Shop"...

But shit, it was only 99 cents!

Jack and Jill went up a hill,

So Jack could lick her candy,

Well Jack got a shock and mouthful of cock,

'Cause Jill's real name was randy.

I must have a great butt, because every time I finish talking to someone and start to walk away. I hear them whisper 'what an ass'

I told my dad to embrace his mistakes.
He cried. Then he hugged my sister & me.

Daughter: Mom, I'm pregnant!

Mom: I thought I told you when a guy touches your boobs, say don't, and when he touches you vagina, say stop.

Daughter: But he kept touching both, so it came out,"don't, stop, don't, stop.

I asked my girlfriend what movie my dick reminded her of...
She replied, "Chicken Little"

10 interesting facts:

1) you cant say "s" without using your tongue

2) just tried it

3) your grinning

4) you just checked to see if i forgot a number

5) your smiling

7) you didnt notice that I forgot 6)

8) so you check it

9) you think this is a weird "joke"

10) you give it a good rating anyway :)

Me: I bet you can't say the alphabet faster than me.

Friend: challenge accepted A B C D E F G H I....

Me: the alphabet

Friend: you son of a b*tch...