Uploaded on 2014.01.06 02:03:10 in Short  Favorites
I put Jesus as my background pic & now my phone never dies.

Yup, He's my screen-savior.
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Uploaded on 2014.01.06 02:03:11 in Short  Favorites
Yesterday, I got high and went to Olive Garden.

Waitress: Would you like soup or salad?

Me: What the f*ck is a super salad?
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Uploaded on 2014.01.06 02:03:12 in Short  Favorites
Ask this question to someone next time they're drunk or high.

"On a scale of 1 to 10, what's your favorite color in the alphabet?"
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Uploaded on 2014.01.06 02:03:12 in Short  Favorites
1. Change last name to Crunch.

2. Join the military.

3. Work my way up to Captain.

4. Become Captain Crunch.
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Uploaded on 2014.01.06 02:03:13 in Short  Favorites
-Dude that party was wicked

-You were drunk outta your mind

-I was not drunk

-Dude you were cutting pine-apples yelling "SpongeBob I know your in there"
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Uploaded on 2014.01.06 02:03:14 in Short  Favorites
Coach: Okay class, today we are going to play a game. When I say a fruit, you run to the right side of the court. And when I say a color, you run to the left side of the court. got it?
Class: Got it.
Coach: Okay... Ready, set... ORANGE!
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Uploaded on 2014.01.06 02:03:15 in Short  Favorites
The closest that I've gotten to murder: Holding Oreos under the milk until the bubbles stop...
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Uploaded on 2014.01.06 02:03:16 in Short  Favorites
Mom: "Shouldn't you be cleaning your room?"

Me: "Shouldn't you be in the Kitchen?"

I've never been hit so hard.
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Uploaded on 2014.01.06 02:03:17 in Short  Favorites
it's funny how after an argument is over, you start to think about more clever shit you could have said
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Uploaded on 2014.01.06 02:03:18 in Short  Favorites
Finding out your ex got fat is like finding 20 bucks in your pocket.
Not life changing but definitely puts a smile on your face.
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