Husband: Honey, do u smell that?

Wife: No.

Husband: Yeah, me neither, start cooking.

Student - "Can I go to the bathroom?"

Teacher - "Not right now, we are in the middle of class"

Student - "But I'm on my period."

Teacher - "Mark, that didn't work yesterday, its not going to today."

I tried to convince my little girl that it's perfectly normal to accidentally poop your pants.
...But she didn't buy it. She's still making fun of me.

How guys propose: On one knee.

How girls propose: "I'm pregnant!"

I always wondered why The Muppets had such large protruding eyes. I then realized that if I had a hand shoved up my ass my eyes would do the same.

Teacher: What do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested?

Student: A teacher!

Job interview:
"What's your greatest weakness?"
"Honesty."
"I don't think honesty is a weakness." "I don't give a f*ck what you think."

Don't judge abook by it's cover...

My math book has a picture of someone enjoying themself.

I just saw two elementary school kids having a fist fight. So as an adult I had to step in. They didn't stand a chance.

Went to my friends house with my girlfriend today. As we walked in I noticed her phone automatically connected to his wifi. That f*cking slut.