I love to brag to people on how I handle financial transactions for a multi-billion dollar corp. It beats telling them I'm a f*cking cashier at McDonald's.

Girl: Daddy can I watch the T.V.

Dad: Sure but just don't turn it on.

Bella: You're pale white and ice cold. I know what you are.

Edward: Say it...Out loud...Say it!

Bella: A Snowman...

"Hey Daddy there's a lady jogging over there."
Sorry son, we need room in the trunk for groceries but good eye, son, good eye.

If women ruled the world there would be no wars. Instead, there would just a bunch of countries not talking to each other.

The only 2 states to have legal Marijuana are Colorado and Washington. The 2 best NFL teams are Seattle and Denver. Coincidence? I think not!

Roses are red violets are blue god made me pretty, What the Fu** happened to you?

That frustrating moment when your almost done with your cereal and the last five pieces are like, "Haha! catch me if you can"

I went to walmart today and asked customer service for gta v. She was confused so i told her that it was a game with a black guy who crashed his car, sleeps with prostitutes, and attacks ppl with his golf club. She came put later with Tiger Woods PGA 2010.

When you are single, all you see are couples. When you are part of a couple, all you see are hookers.