Cocky Kid: I have the body of a God!
Average Kid: Yeah; shame it's Buddha.

My dishwasher has been leaking this strange fluid and won't work...
Thankfully, she said her period will be over soon.

Guy1: why did the chicken cross the road?
Guy2: Don't know.... why?
Guy1: to get to the gay guys house....
Guy2: ? ........
Guy1: knock knock
Guy2: who's there?
Guy1: chicken!
Guy2: f*ck you!

Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one - and let the other one off.

Patient: Doctor, please help me, i have a really weak memory
Doctor: okay... so, since when are you suffering from this problem?
Patient: which problem?

My mom bought cheap toilet paper. Bad decision.
Now we got a real mess on our hands.

I am reminded that English is a flawed language every time I am forced to use "that that" in a sentence. It's not fair that that happens.

Little Johnny once asked his teacher "Do hearts have legs?."
The teacher answered "Why do you ask that?"
Johnny replied "Yesterday, I heard my dad say sweetheart open your legs.". By -arthur

Why do Squirrels swim on their backs?

To keep their nuts dry.

McDonald's actually does serve breakfast after 10:30.
If you have a gun.