Men like football because the priorities in football are also the biggest priorities in every man's life. Scoring and Ball Security.

what do you get when 32 rednecks are in one room???
A set of TEETH!

Q.What's the difference between a BMW and a porcupine.
A. With a porcupine the pricks on the outside.

A man won the lottery and came home, told his wife,
"Honey, pack your clothes, I won the lottery"
"Oh, where are we going?" she said. The man replied,
"Your going to stay at your mother's house for 2 months."

I hate hipsters. Their smug faces, vegan diet, tiny feet and sawdust bedding. No wait. Hamsters. I hate Hamsters.

Woman spelt backwards is namow. Namow in Polish means persuasion. What are all women good at? Persuading. Coincidence? I think not.

Doctor: Do you drink or smoke?
Kid: No
Doctor: *Under his breath* What a loser.

My girlfriend isn't allowed to have candles on her birthday cake. What you wishing for? All your dreams came true when you met me.

You mean so much to me... If we were on a sinking ship together and there was only one life jacket.... I'd miss you a bunch and think of you often.

A woman walks into a drugstore and asks the pharmacist if he sells size extra large condoms. He replies, "Yes we do. Would you like to buy some?" She responds, "No sir, but do you mind if I wait around here until someone does?"