My wife gets so clumsy when she's pregnant...
Take tomorrow for instance, she's gonna fall down the stairs.

Setting:On a computer key board shrunken in size
Harry: My mom must keep her shrink ray here
Jimmy: DAH! SHE KEEPS IT INSIDE THE DRAWER!
Harry:jeez! you don't have to yell.
Jimmy:sorry,I was standing on caps lock

4/20? You mean 1/5...

Reduce your fractions. Did you even learn math?

when you go to a party find the ugliest girl and when she starts to look hot, go home, alone

(I’m at the college IT support office to fix a bug on my laptop and find all the employees looking bored. I walk up to one of them and he pays no attention to me whatsoever.)

Me: Excuse me. I’ve got a problem with my laptop.

IT Support Guy: *incoherent mumbling*

Me: Sir?

IT Support Guy: *while not looking at me* How long ago did you buy the device?

Me: Uh… well, I got it at the beginning of the semester.

IT Support Guy: Have you tried to reset it?

Me: I haven’t even told you the problem yet.

IT Support Guy: That doesn’t work? Okay. Can you tell me the manufacturer of the device?

Me: It’s [computer brand]. But sir, I—

(He proceeds explaining all kinds of stuff which is clearly not directed to me. He finally turns to me; it turns out the entire time I thought he was just leaning his head on his hand, he wasn’t. He was talking on the phone to someone else and is now looking annoyed.)

IT Support Guy: Can’t you see I’m on the phone?

Me: Sorry!

*speeding*

cop:pull over!!!

me: *pulls over*

cop:do you know why i pulled you over?

me:yes!!! do you?

Mummy, I've found a fake hundred.
- How do you know that it is false?
-because it had three zeros at the end!

.....guy gets pulled over by a cop
cop;sir,do you know how fast you were goin?
man:no
cop:well you were goin 86 mph.
man:LIKE A BOSS,BITCH
.....drives off

Woman spelt backwards is kitchen.

Many are called, but it's only few that has airtime to call back. #Hiba