Every time someone calls me fat I get so depress I cut myself... a piece of cake.

Alcohol should be served in Capri Sun pouches.
When you can no longer get the straw in the hole, you've had enough.

"Don't kid yourself" would be a great slogan for a condom company

I wonder if anyone has watched Storage Wars and said "hey that's my shit!"

If a quiz is quizzical, then what does that make a test?

A big shout out to sidewalks... Thanks for keeping me off the streets.

Sometimes I like to hide my wife's inhaler so the neighbors think I'm a stallion when they hear her panting "Give it to me!

If skinny people go skinny dipping. Do fat people go chunky dunking?

I'm the kind of guy who stops the microwave at 1 second just to feel like a bomb defuser.

It's all shits and giggles until someone giggles and shits!