Everyone's middle name should be "Motherf*ckin". Try it. Doesn't it sound so great?

Never give up on your dreams. Keep sleeping.

Whatever you do in life, always give 100%. Unless you're donating blood...

Marriage is like a deck of cards. In the beginning all you need is two hearts and a diamond but by the end you wish u had a club and a spade.

Assassins are impressive. Its not the killing part that impresses me; its that they figured out a way to fit "ass" into the same word twice.

Women are like shed roofs, if you don't nail them hard enough they'll end up next door.

Taco Bell doesn't have a playground, because it's hard to have fun when you might shit your pants at any minute.

I may not be jesus but I can turn water into koolaid

Ah, 'Friday'... my second favorite F-word.

When the zombie apocalypse finally happens, I'm moving to Washington D.C. I figure the lack of brains there will keep the undead masses away.