The sad moment when you return to your ordinary life after watching an awesome movie.

There's a fine line between tan and looking liked you rolled around in Doritos.

That awkward moment when you realize that "Hakuna Matata" is the PG version of I don't give a f*ck.

Your birth certificate is an apology from the condom factory.

Dentists make money off of people with bad teeth. Why should I trust the toothpaste they recommend?

I'm not saying your stupid, i'm just saying that you have bad luck when it comes to thinking.

Never make an arm wrestling bet with a man that has been single for longer than 6 months.

Buying a smart car seems like a good idea until you hit a squirrel and flip over a few times.

It's funny how axe handles are made of wood.
It's like the ultimate 'Fuck you' to trees.

I shot my first Turkey today. Scared the shit out of everyone in the frozen food section, it was awesome!