Picking up this tiny piece of paper would take 2 seconds, but instead, I'm gonna run it over 100 times with my vacuum at different angles.

If you get offended by the jokes and comments on here, go ahead and blame your parents... for raising a pussy.

I get my cereal from a tiger, insurance from a gecko, toilet paper from a bear, financial advice from a gorilla. It's people I don't trust.

I have so much debt, I can start a government.

I don't always have time to study, but when I do, I don't.

Attention Walmart Shoppers: Dress for the body you have, not the body you want.

Men are like babies... when they get cranky, just shove a nipple in their mouth!

Wow, it's beautiful outside. I should probably do something. Like close the blinds so there isn't a glare on my screen.

I just read an article about the dangers of drinking that scared the crap out of me. That's it. No more reading!

If all the characters from the Mickey Mouse show are talking animals, why is Pluto just a f*ckin' dog?