I am done trying to understand women. Women understand women and they hate each other.

Why do single women take dating advice from other single women? That's like Stevie Wonder giving driving directions to Ray Charles.

School starts with "s" and so does slavery.

Coincidence? I think not.

I named my dog "5 miles" so I can tell people I walk 5 miles every day.

A gift card is a great way to say, "Go buy your own f*ckin' present".

I saw a woman wearing a sweat shirt with "Guess" on it...so I said "Implants?"

Netflix gives you 15 seconds between episodes to decide if you're doing anything with your life today.

Today; I saw a baby with a shirt that said, "I'm what happened in Vegas"

I hate when people pour my cereal. They don't know how much I want. They don't know my life. They don't know what I've been through.

I want to shove a lamp up your ass so you'll lighten the f*ck up.