No woman will ever be truly satisfied on Valentines day because no man has a chocolate penis wrapped in money that ejaculates diamonds.

I miss being able to slam my phone down when I hang up on somebody. Violently tapping "end call" just isn't doing it for me.

your mouth is like a butt, when you speak shit comes out

Lips that touch liquor, touch other lips quicker.

I almost had a threesome last night I just needed two more people

Tupperware needs to be called TupperWHERE THE FUCK IS THE LID.

Every zoo is a petting zoo as long as you're not a pussy.

Dating a single mother is like continuing from somebody else's saved game.

My thoughts today are like underwear. I don't have any clean ones.

FUN FACT: If you bring a gun to the pharmacy, you can get drugs without a doctor's prescription.