My vacuum cleaner broke. I put a Dallas Cowboys sticker on it, and now it sucks again.

My style can be described as “This smells clean” with a touch of “did anyone see me wear this yesterday?”

I should've known that it wasn't gonna work out between me and my ex girlfriend. After all, I'm a Scorpio and she's a b*tch.

i'm not a virgin, I get screwed by the government everday.

Your family tree must be a cactus, 'cause everyone on it's a prick.

Always love a woman for her personality. She has ten you can choose from.

I gotta go to work today cause millions of people on welfare depend on me.

People probably won't remember what you do or say, but they'll never forget that one time you banged a fatty.

Your parents always say learn from your mistakes .... So why do they have more than one kid

I am so intuned with women that I can read her emotions just by lookin at her hands. For example..... if she's holding a gun she chances are she might be upset.