Coming out of the closet would be a lot easier if my wardrobe wasn't so FABULOUS!

They say money talks but all mine ever says is "goodbye".

Does anyone have plans to stare at their phones somewhere exciting this weekend?

When I text you a whole paragraph and you text me back 40 minutes later saying "K." Are you asking to be punched?

A blow up doll means an entirely different thing in the middle east.

If I had a dollar for every time someone tells me to grow up, I could build the coolest tree house ever!

If you're sober, it's a police car... but if you're drunk it's a taxi.

I haven't seen you since that one time I hoped I'd never see you again.

I can always tell when they use fake dinosaurs in movies.

To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.