Serving size: 4 Yeah... all 4 me.

My Cousin Ronny was born with no eyelids, so the doctors had to use his foreskin to create some. They said he would be alright, he is just a little cockeyed!

Always bake cookies at 320°, because 420° is too high.

I wonder why chocolate melts in my hand, I mean am I that hot?

My blind date told me on the phone that she was far from ugly, when I met her I realized she was a lot closer than she thinks! this b*tch need prescription make up!!

ME: You smell like updog.
FRIEND: What's up dog?
ME: Nothing much man, how 'bout you?

Everyone is entitled to my opinion

When life gives you lemons, throw them back and yell "I WANTED ORANGES!!!"

Irish dude walks out of a bar.

When life gives you potatoes there's something wrong with you...