*At a restaurant*
Waiter - "Would you like a table?"
Me - "No, not at all, we came here to eat on the floor. Carpet for 5 please.

Son - "Dad, I'm gay."
Dad - "I had sex with your mom."
Son - "Huh?"
Dad - "Sorry, I thought we were talking about things that were stupidly obvious."

Wife: "Do you know how many calories are in that beer?"

Me: "Probably the same as the amount of f*cks I don't give."

Roses are red
Violets are blue
Faces like yours belong in the zoo.
Don't be mad, I'll be there, too.
Not in the cage, but laughing at you!

I've met some pricks in my time but you my friend, are the f*cking cactus

"Why do you even wear a bra? You have nothing to put it in."

Me: "You wear pants, don't you?"

Random kid: Dafak ya lookin' at!? I'ma fak ya an' yo peeps!
Me: Stand back, I'm gonna try to communicate with it.

kid: *middle finger*

me: i have one of those too except i use it on ur mom!

My little sister was being made fun of at school be#ausc shes adopted so she told them, " my momma choose me. your parents are stuck with you."

I'd like to see things from your point of view but I can't seem to get my head that far up my ass.