Guy:Whose place? Mine or yours?
Girl: Both. You go to yours and i'll go to mine

You must of been born on the highway because thats where acidents happen

I'd slap you, but shit splatters!

Jerk: Dude, that song is, like, so old.
Me: So is your mom but you still listen to her.

Mom: Go clean your room!

You: But its my room!

Mom: I don't care!

You: So if you don't care I don't have to clean it!

three guys, stranded on a desert island, find a magic lantern containing a genie, who grants them each one wish. The first guy wishes he was off the island and back home. The second guy wishes the same. The third guy says "I’m lonely. I wish my friends were back here."

A few more months without getting laid and you should be eligible for employment at Gamestop.

Text message:
Girl: Mom i got detention today.
Mom: WHAT WHY!
Girl: Well the teacher pointed a ruler at me and said at the end of this ruler is an idiot......
Mom: And.......
Girl: I asked the teacher what end she was refering to the ruler
Mom: Ahh thats my girl.

Teacher:You failed your test.
Me:You failed to educate me.

Teachers: Where's your homework

Student: At home having more fun than me