I have met some pricks in my day but YOU sir are the f*cking cactus

People: "I love it when my boyfriend tells me he loves me." Me: "I love it when my microwave tells me my food is ready."

Shut up, you'll never be the man your mother is.

Roses are red
Violets are blue
Your ass looks fine and so do you
I took you to my place
And everything was fine
Then I said, "I'll be the six if you be the nine."
So it started out nice
We ended up in bed
Everything got hard so I showed her my head
So we were under the blankets
It was hot so I was about to smuther
I lifted up the blanket and found out it was your mother.

Officer : - "Please step out of the vehicle sir."
Me : - "Nah, you're all right I'm too drunk, you come in.

"Haha you can't even think of a good comeback."
"If I wanted my cum back I'de take it off your mom's chin"

Guy: Baby i would go to the end of the world for you.
Girl: But would you stay there?

American kid- "You're from the UK? Cool! So do you have tea with the queen?"
British kid- "Do you go to McDonalds with Obama?"

Kid: Mom I got detention
Mom: what for sweetie
Kid: Well, my teacher asked for my paper I got a 66 on
Mom: So?
Kid: She said " Give me the D"
Mom: So?...
Kid: So I did
Mom: I don't see why you got detention
Kid: I know right? and what's with the rape charges
Mom: what
Kid:what

I'd ask you on a date, but I don't like taking the trash out.