Six retired Floridians play high stakes poker in the condo clubhouse.
A member of the group, Meiers, loses $5,000 on a single hand, clutches his chest and drops dead at the table.
Showing respect for their fallen comrade, the other five finish playing the hand standing up.
Finkelstein looks around and asks, "So, who's gonna' tell his wife?"
They cut the cards, and Goldberg "wins" the duty. They tell him to be discreet, be gentle, not to make a bad situation any worse.
"Discreet? I'm the most discreet person you'll ever meet. Discretion is my middle name," he says. Leave it to me."
Goldberg goes over to the Meiers' apartment and knocks on the door. Mrs. Meiers wife answers and asks what he wants.
Goldberg declares, "Your husband just lost $5,000 playing poker, and is afraid to come home."
"Tell him to drop dead!" says the wife.
"Will do," he says.
Son- Hey mom can I have $15 bucks
Mom- Does it look like money grows on trees? Son- What is money made out of? Mom- Paper
Son- What is paper from? Mom- Trees. Son- Exactly.
Once Cleopatra called all the Great men of history in a single room- Lincoln, Lenin, Gandhi, Martin Luther King etc..,
Cleopatra: If a man in this room does not have a erection, when i put on my bikini, then i will take that man to my room and satisfy him.
*Cleopatra puts on bikini and everyone has an erection except Gandhi*
So Cleopatra takes Gandhi to her room, and takes off all her clothes, still Gandhi does not have an erection, angry, Cleopatra banishes Gandhi out of her room.
The next day.
Lincoln:How can you resist such temptation?
Martin Luther King: But what about yesterday?
Gandhi:Today i just realized that i wasn't wearing my glasses yesterday..
Okay, so theres a statue and he's been a statue for years then a magical pigeon swoops down where the statue is and says, "since you have been a good statue so i'm going to grant you life". So the pigeon swirls his little wand and the statue becomes alive. The statue is like, "Oh my gosh i'm alive!" The first thing he does is throw the pigron on the ground and he shits on it and says, "how do you like it?"
Three couples went in to see the minister to see how to become members of his church. The minister said that they would have to go without sex for two weeks and then come back and tell him how it went.
The first couple was retired, the second couple was middle-aged and the final couple was newlywed.
Two weeks went by, and the couples returned to the minister. The retired couple said it was no problem at all. The middle-aged couple said it was tough for the first week, but after that, it was no problem. The newlyweds said it was fine until she dropped the can of paint.
"Can of PAINT!" exclaimed the minister.
"Yeah," said the newlywed man. "She dropped the can and when she bent over to pick it up I had to have her right there and then. Lust took over."
The minister just shook his head and said that they were not welcome in the church.
"That's okay," said the man. "We're not welcome in Home Depot either."
Little Johnny was doing his work in math class, when his teacher chose him to answer a question.
Teacher: Johnny if there were four birds on a fence and you shot one with your gun how many would be left?
Johnny: None because the rest would fly off.
Teacher: The answer was 3, but I like the way you're thinking!
Johnny: Well I have a question for you! If there 3 girls at a ice cream shop, one was licking her cone, one was biting her cone, and one was sucking her cone, which one is married?
"Well" said the teacher nervously " I guess the one sucking her cone...
Johnny: No the one with the wedding ring on her finger. But, I like the way you're thinking!
A guy walks into the bar and the white bartender says, we don't serve colored people .
The man replies, I don't understand why you white people call us colored because :
When I born, I black.
When I grow up, I black.
When I go in sun, I black.
When I cold, I black.
When I scared, I black.
When I sick, I black.
And when I die, I still black.
You white folks:
When you born, you pink.
When you grow up, you white.
When you go in sun, you red.
When you cold, you blue.
When you scared, you yellow.
When you sick, you green.
When you bruised, you purple.
And when you die, you gray.
There is this man who spent the entire day watching the fishing channel. Once he is done, he goes to the kitchen where his wife is and says "Listen honey, I have just declared it. We are going on a fishing trip, you, me and the dog." The wife then replies "No way, I don't wanna go fishing." The man then replies "Well then I'm going to give you 3 options. 1. You can give me a blowjob 2. I can f*ck you up the ass or 3. You can just suck it up and go fishing w/me and the dog. Now I'm going to the garage and get everything I need ready. I'll be back in an hour and you better have your answer.
So he goes to the garage, prepares everything and comes back in an hour as promised. "Well, so what do you want to do?" the man asks. "I'll give you a blow job." the wife replies. So she starts sucking his dick and after 10 seconds, she starts complaining "Oh my God, this is disgusting, your dick tastes like absolute shit." The man then replies "Yeah, the dog didn't wanna go either."
My 6yo son was in the garden looking at a couple pf spiders, when he said dad, Is that a mummylongleg under that daddylongleg. I looked at him and said, No son there's only daddylonglegs. I was feeling rather impressed that he was asking such intelligent question. When I saw him stomp on the spIders yelling "THERE WILL BE NONE OF THAT POOFTER SHIT GOING ON IN OUR GARDEN"
Every year, Grandma and her grandkids, Suzy, Jill, and Billy come stay with her over Christmas. And every Christmas Eve they would make a big bowl of cookie dough so they could make cookies on Christmas Day. And every time, the next morning the cookie dough would be gone. The grandma could never catch them, so this year she put metal bb's in the cookie dough. The next morning, the cookie dough was gone and soon Suzy came running downstairs.
''Grandma, I went to the bathroom to pee and bb's came out.''
"Suzy," Grandma said. "I know you've been eating cookie dough. Sit down." Then Jill came down and said ''Grandma, I went poo and there were bb's in it.''
"Jill, I know you've been eating cookie dough. Sit down." About five minutes later little Billy came.
''Grandma something terrible has happened, I was jerking off in the garage and I shot the cat!''