When nobody is home, I like to bury myself in the garden and pretend I'm a carrot..
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Uploaded on 2014.01.06 02:11:43 in One Liners  Favorites
S.H.I.T = Super.Hero.In.Training
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Roses are purple.
That is a lie.
Why are you listening to me?
I'm f*ckin high.
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When an actress saw her first strands of gray hair she thought she'd dye
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You squeeze it, rub it up and down, thick white stuff comes out, it's a tube of toothpaste.
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Sometimes I like to lay in a bathtub full of jello and pretend I'm an unborn fetus.
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If your life was taped could it win an Oscar? If not, change your shit up
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Guy 1: Do society a favor. Kill yourself.

Guy 2: Show me how it's done first.
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Is it just me or do all of these new jokes extremely lame?
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If you use dollar bills to make it rain would throwing a handful of quarters at a stripper be considered making it hail?
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