Never pick up a homeless hitchhiker, they'll never go home.
Failure is the pillar of another successful failure..
Never try to argue with someone that's on Adderall...cause you will never win.
There's a young man at the bar frustrated. Him and his wife got into a fight and she kicked him out. He see's an old man at the bar happy as ever, but notices a ring on his finger. He asks '' How long have you been married?'' Old man says ''65 years, and im still happy as ever'' ''How?'' Asks the young man. The old man then says '' Well one day my wife and I way back were walking with our donkey to go get some water from the well. On our way back the donkey falls and spills some water. I said ''Donkey thats one.'' It falls again later and I said ''Now dammit thats two!'' It falls yet again and spills all the water. So I pulled out my gun and shot it in the heard and killed it. My wife then yelled '' Now why in the hell did you do that?!'' I looked at her and said ''Woman now thats one''.
I hang a sock on my doorknob to let my roommates know I’m using the other one.
Can fat people go skinny dipping??
I hope you brought your wallet, because the rent in Hell is paid in advance.
I got covered in ketchup earlier today, from my head tomatoes.
Got hired at Walmart. Do I start pulling my teeth out now or do they just fall out at orientation?
When life gives you potatoes there's something wrong with you...