IMPORTANT NEWS HEADLINES:

21 people were killed in a 21 gun salute,
The head of the lost-and-found was reported missing,
A vegetarian has been beaten to death by a meat packer.
A 107 year-old woman is reported to be pregnant... physicians say that due to her advanced age, she will have a grown-up.
A man has barricaded himself inside his home. However he is not armed, and no-one is paying any attention to him.
A woman was severely injured while she attempted to breast-feed a wildcat.
A high-speed chase ended when the car stopped and the people got out.
An earthquake hit a maternity hospital and 3 people were killed. Luckily, 6 people were born.
A priest who has performed over 300 exorcisms was eaten yesterday by a green boogeyman.
A man who was shot 9 times yesterday and refused treatment... died today... of 9 shots.
Tragedy struck the parade last week when an uncovered manhole claimed the lives of 1200 marchers one at a time...

I hate it when pop ups say Do u want to play poker with professionals No I want to play with a spastic and hopefully a dimentid Llama

johns in 1st grade and his teacher is going over vocab words and his teacher asks the class to use the word house in a sentence so everyone in the class raises there hands including john, and the teacher picks on Billy. and Billy said my house is brown

teacher: very good.

teacher: how about we use the word dog.

the class raises their hands.

Teacher picks on sally instead of john and john is in the background with a frown on his face.

Sally i walk my dog:

john: how come you didn't pick on me :( to answer

teacher: because i know you know all the words but if you want a word ill give you one..

Teacher: use the word Urinate.

john: ok i have a sentence for you:D

John: urinate but IF YOU HAD BIGGER TITTIES you would be a 10

We tip our hats to the "Baby Boomers".

First, we survived being born to mothers who smoked and/or drank while they carried us. They took aspirin, ate blue cheese dressing, tuna from a can, and didn't get tested for diabetes.

Then after that trauma, our baby cribs were covered with bright colored lead-based paints.

We had no childproof lids on medicine bottles, doors or cabinets and when we rode our bikes, we had no helmets, not to mention, the risks we took hitchhiking. As children, we would ride in cars with no seat belts or air bags. Riding in the back of a pickup on a warm day was always a special treat.

We drank water from the garden hose, not from a bottle. We shared one soft drink with four friends, from one bottle and no one actually died from this. We ate cupcakes, white bread and real butter and drank soda pop with sugar in it, but we weren't overweight because we were always outside playing!

We would leave home in the morning and play all day, as long as we were back when the streetlights came on. No one was able to reach us all day. And we were O.K. We would spend hours building our go-carts out of scraps and then ride down the hill, only to find out we forgot the brakes. After running into the bushes a few times, we learned to solve the problem.

We did not have Playstations, Nintendo's, X-boxes, no video games at all, no 99 channels on cable, no video tape movies, no surround sound, no cell phones, no personal computers, no Internet or Internet chat rooms. We had friends and we went outside and found them!

We fell out of trees, got cut, broke bones and teeth and there were no lawsuits from these accidents. We ate worms and mud pies made from dirt, and the worms did not live in us forever. We were given BB guns for our 10th birthdays, made up games with sticks and tennis balls and although we were told it would happen, we did not put out anyone's eyes.

We rode bikes or walked to a friend's house and knocked on the door or rang the bell, or just walked in and talked to them!

Little League had tryouts and not everyone made the team. Those who didn't had to learn to deal with disappointment.

The idea of a parent bailing us out if we broke the law was unheard of. They actually sided with the law!

The result? This generation has produced some of the best risk-takers, problem solvers and inventors ever. The past 50 years have been an explosion of innovation and new ideas. We had freedom, failure, success and responsibility, and we learned how to deal with it all!

And if you are one of the Baby Boomers, Congratulations!

Nerd Rap:
People always ask why I act like those nerds,
Why I correct grammar and why I use big words.
Stupid... is officially whack.
Man you look real fly, but you can't spell cat!
Popularity's irrelevant; Gotta be intelligent.
Stay in the books, and you'll be the new president.
Got an A+; they all made fun of me.
Grew up, now they're working for my company.
L-O-L, exclamation point, send!
I'm so awesome; want to be my friend?

Little Jonny thought he was the only one who kept secrets, so he asked his teacher. She said that everyone, even adults had secrets. So Little Jonny went up to his mom and told her he knew here secret, she gave him 20$ and told him not to tell his father. So then Little Jonny went up to his dad, and told him he knew his secret, his dad paid him 50$ and told him not to tell his mother. Little Jonny loving this, he's making tons of money, then he goes outside. The first person he sees is the mailman, Little Jonny says I know your secret. Then the mailman says really!? Come here son!

so theres this christian man and hes on top of his roof, because hes getting floded, the water is up to his ankles, and he prays to god.

man: please god, please can you save me.

ten minuets later a small dingy comes along and the people inside shout to him.

"if you climb on board we will save you from the flood.

man: no god will save me, go save someone elce.

so the people in the dingy went, 10 minuets later the water rises up to his waist, and he prays again.

man: god please can you save me from this terrible flood.

then a small motor boat comes along and the men inside say to him: "come on board and we will save you"

man: no god will save me.



ten minuest later the water is up to the mans neck and a helicopter flys past and sees him, the send down a rope ladder for him to climb up but the man refuses and shouts up "gods gonna save me go help the others"

so the helicopter dissapears, 10 minuets later the man drowns and in heven he says to god

man: god why didnt you save me?

god: well i sent 2 boats and a helicopter!

A belgium, A dutchman and A frenchman are walking in the jungle.
They found two cannibals.
The cannibles said they had to do what they say.
They said to go get a 1000 fruits of 1 kind.
The frenchman had a 1000 blue berries.
The dutchman had 1000 pea's.
The belgium was still getting fruits.
The cannibals said they had to stuff those 1000 fruits up there ass.
At the 999 fruit the dutchman had to laugh.
Thw cannibals ater the dutchman.
(In heaven)
God: why did you laugh?
Dutchman: because i saw the belgium come with 1000 melons

A little girl was asking her teacher.
Girl: “Can my mom get pregnant?”
Teacher: “How old is your mom?”
Girl: “She’s 40!”
Teacher: Yes, she can.”
Girl: “Can my sister get pregnant?”
Teacher: “How old is your sister?”
Girl: “She’s 18.”
Teacher: “Yes, she can.”
Girl: “Can I get pregnant?
Teacher: “How old are you?”
Girl: “I’m 12.”
Teacher: “No you cannot get pregnant.”
A lil boy sitting behind the lil girl said, “I told you we have nothing to worry about.”
The teacher fainted.

A kid walks in on his dad f*cking is mom, he goes into his grandmothers room, his dad walks in, "Son, what the hell are you doing?!" "You were f*cking my mom, now I'm f*cking yours!"