Congratulations!
By reading this you've won a lifetime supply of air. Not valid under water, in space, when dead, or while choking.

Children in the backseat can cause accidents.
Accidents in the backseat can cause children.

Money doesn't buy happiness? Well it does buy a jet ski. Have you ever seen a sad person on a jet ski? Ya, I thought so...

Went to my friends house with my girlfriend today. As we walked in I noticed her phone automatically connected to his wifi. That f*cking slut.

I just saw two elementary school kids having a fist fight. So as an adult I had to step in. They didn't stand a chance.

Don't judge abook by it's cover...

My math book has a picture of someone enjoying themself.

Job interview:
"What's your greatest weakness?"
"Honesty."
"I don't think honesty is a weakness." "I don't give a f*ck what you think."

Teacher: What do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested?

Student: A teacher!

I always wondered why The Muppets had such large protruding eyes. I then realized that if I had a hand shoved up my ass my eyes would do the same.

How guys propose: On one knee.

How girls propose: "I'm pregnant!"