I hate those couples who have a fight then a few minutes later change their facebook status to "single", I mean I fight with my parents all the time but I don't start saying i'm an orphan!

Devil: Welcome to Hell... you're trapped here for eternity, burning in the flames fueled by your sins.
Me: What's your WiFi password?

Son: dad dad a kid told me I am gay
Dad: well kick his ass
Son: oooh nooo he is so cute

My doctor told me to start killing people. Well not in those exact words. He said I had to reduce the stress in my life. Same thing.

Got arrested at the airport last week. Apparently, security doesn't appreciate it when you call "shotgun" before boarding a plane.

That moment when you're talking a test and you want everyone to know you're ahead so you flip the page as loud as possible.

Q: Why cant whores count to 70?

A: Because 69 is a mouth full.

Dinosaurs are just lies fed to us to cover up the existence of pokemon

The school called me today and said, "Your son's been telling lies".

"Well tell him he's f*cking good" I replied, "I ain't got any kids!"

Cashier: Are you going to buy these?



Me: No, I'm going to steal them, I just wanted to show you first