to do list: 1. dig a hole 2. name it love 3.watch people fell in love

Treat a gamer like you would treat a tomato. Give them food and drink and don't leave them in direct sunlight.

Old days: "Mom I'm hungry"."Ok sweetheart I'll go make some porridge"



Now: "Mom I'm hungry". "Go heat up a f*ckin hot pocket then lazyass"

A woman walks into a drugstore and asks the pharmacist if he sells size extra large condoms. He replies, "Yes we do. Would you like to buy some?" She responds, "No sir, but do you mind if I wait around here until someone does?"

You mean so much to me... If we were on a sinking ship together and there was only one life jacket.... I'd miss you a bunch and think of you often.

My girlfriend isn't allowed to have candles on her birthday cake. What you wishing for? All your dreams came true when you met me.

Doctor: Do you drink or smoke?
Kid: No
Doctor: *Under his breath* What a loser.

Woman spelt backwards is namow. Namow in Polish means persuasion. What are all women good at? Persuading. Coincidence? I think not.

I hate hipsters. Their smug faces, vegan diet, tiny feet and sawdust bedding. No wait. Hamsters. I hate Hamsters.

A man won the lottery and came home, told his wife,
"Honey, pack your clothes, I won the lottery"
"Oh, where are we going?" she said. The man replied,
"Your going to stay at your mother's house for 2 months."